What did I do?
by SuperHansi
Summary: "I won't deny that it hurts every time Shizuo tells me that he doesn't love me. But I know... I knew from the very beginning that the blond would never harbour feelings like love for me, because Shizuo is in love with Psyche, my brother."
1. Chapter 1

**What did I do?**

**_Okay. A few things I have to tell you first!_**

**_1. English is not my first language, so there will be a few [a lot] mistakes. But who's perfect?_**

**_2. In this story Izaya and Psyche are twins. Psyche is the older one._**

**_3. I had to give them parents, because they will be mentioned as little children. The parents are completely made up!_**

**_4. Characters are really OOC! [ Out of Character]_**

**_Let's start, shall we?_**

**_…forgot. I don't own Durarara. _**

* * *

_Hands griped hair. Clothes were torn off. Heavy breathing could be heard. A kiss here, a lick there._

It was not a new thing to have sex for Shizuo. It definitely wasn't new for him to have sex with a man. And it wasn't a new thing for him to cheat on his boyfriend. And it wasn't a new thing to cheat on Psyche with the brunette's brother. So all in all, it was a pretty normal evening for Shizuo Heiwajima.

"Would you please stop zoning out and finish what you started", an angry voice sad.

"Shut up", Shizuo growled back.

Normal people would start with a little foreplay, but Shizuo was far from normal. And Izaya wasn't any better. So instead of little butterfly kisses, clothes were ripped apart. No sweet words were spoken, because there was no love between those two. Well there was, but it was one sided.

"Shizu-cha- agh", Izaya cried out when his boxers were violently pulled from his hips. "So violent, haha", he laughed.

"Shut the fuck up", Shizuo ordered as he took the brunettes erection in his hands and started moving them up and down. Izaya arched his back for more contact, but Shizuo quickly pulled away. "Stop trying to make it seem like we're making love. We're just fucking", Shizuo told the other while he struggled to get his own clothes off.

If Shizuo had looked at Izaya at that time he would have seen how much those words hurt the other, but he didn't. Because Shizuo didn't care, well, not for Izaya. He was deeply in love with the brother of the boy under him. And it's not even like the love is one sided. No, Shizuo and Psyche were in a relationship. It was wonderful, hell, it was perfect.

Psyche was not like Izaya in the slightest, he was nice, cute and just loveable, but there was one little problem. Actually it was a huge problem for Shizuo.

Psyche refused to have sex with him until they're married.

* * *

Izaya Orihara wasn't going to deny that it hurt every time Shizuo told him that he didn't love him. But Izaya knew. He knew from the very beginning that the blond would never harbour feelings like love for him, because Shizuo was in love with Psyche, Izayas brother.

Psyche and Shizuo had started going out a year and a half ago. They were a couple since then. Izaya could see that both of them were really happy. Even Shizuo, of whom Izaya thought that he could never be gentle or show love, was like the best boyfriend ever.

Since the first time Izaya had seen Shizuo he had already been able tell that the other was a really touch orientated person. And he knew that Psyche was always shy and would never fool around with someone before being married with that person. And that's where Izaya had come into the picture. He can't even remember exactly how it happened. He had been talking to Shizuo about Psyche and the next second they had been screwing each other on the blonde's bed.

For Izaya it had been one of the happiest moments in his life. He would never admit it but he fell in love with the blond at first sight. He just had that thing about him, Izaya couldn't describe it, but it was addicting. Something the brunette couldn't resist.

Izaya had stopped feeling happy when Shizuo had told him that he still loved Psyche and that he was just fucking Izaya because he needed to release some tension. He had told him that over and over again and when he had reached his climax, he had called out Psyches name. Izaya had felt like his heart would break. But he had not shown it. He had not been able to.

Right after Shizuo had pulled out of him he had started to shout at Izaya. He said horrible things. Things Izaya can't remember…Things he doesn't want to remember. And then, he had thrown him out.

Izaya had never felt so heartbroken in his entire life. Wasn't the first big love supposed to be perfect? What had he done to deserve something like that? Izaya hadn't known if he should have been angry at that time. Angry at Shizuo? Psyche? Himself? Izaya had not known, but he had been sure that he wouldn't even have had the strength to be angry at anyone within himself. He had just felt so weak, so fragile…. So heartbroken.

But that had been the first time it had happened. And that was a long time ago. But that didn't mean that it hurt any less now. Izaya still ends up crying himself to sleep after every time they do it. Shizuo still doesn't care about Izaya or his feelings. Psyche and Shizuo are still in a relationship and everything is still perfect. Still nobody has noticed the sexual 'relationship' between Izaya and Shizuo.  
And Izaya was still madly in love with the blond.

* * *

So, first chapter. Don't worry I'll continue this one for sure. I already have so many ideas. As always tell me wether you like it or not! :)


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2. **_

* * *

It was just another school day but as always Izaya didn't want to get up. He didn't see the point in it. Why should he get up and face the cruel world presented to him, when he could just stay in bed and dream of better times. Times where he was Shizuo's boyfriend and Psyche had to suffer. No, that was not really what Izaya wanted. He was just so jealous. Sometimes he couldn't control his thoughts.

Suddenly Izaya's door was opened and a splitting image of Izaya ran into the room and jumped on the teen in the bed.

"Psyche, what do you want?"

"You should get up! Shizuo's coming to pick us up in 30 minutes"

"Alright, just leave me alone."

"So mean! Anyway, hurry up!"

Psyche stuck his tongue out at his twin but left the room. Izaya pulled his blanket over his head. Tears were already leaking from his eyes, rolling over his cheeks. Izaya closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He told himself that he would be alright. It was just a normal day. Like yesterday or the day before that. He would manage, like he always did. Today was just a normal day. Shizuo wouldn't love him any more than he did yesterday. Izaya struggled to keep his sobs inside. He didn't want anyone to hear him. He wanted to suffer alone. He didn't want others to see his weakness. He had always been the strong one on the outside.

Izaya took another deep breath and wiped away his tears. He pushed away his blanket and got up. He went over to his dresser and looked at his clothes, thinking of what to wear. He didn't really care but he wondered if Shizuo would look at him if he wore different clothes. Would Shizuo start caring for him if he started wearing bright colours like Psyche did? Or would clothes make a difference at all? Izaya shook his head and pulled out a pair of black pants and a red shirt. Then he pulled out a pair of boxers and went to the bathroom to take a shower.

He passed his two little sisters on the way. They were clinging to each other like they always did. Kururi even smiled at her brother while she listened to Mairu chatting away. Izaya sighed and hung his head. Why should Shizuo love him, when he couldn't even get his family to like him? He got into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Then he leaned his back against it.  
He didn't want to take a shower. He would be fully awake afterwards. He wouldn't be able to hide in his hazy mind. Thinking he was just having a bad dream. Izaya knew it wasn't like that. He was not insane. He knew that this was real. But that still didn't stop him from pretending in the morning, he wanted at least a few moments of freedom, moments of hope.

Izaya sighed once more and then he started undressing himself. When he was only in his boxers he took a few steps in the direction of the shower but he stopped when he found himself in front of the mirror. He looked at his reflection. He brought a hand to his face and gently touched his cheek then he brought it up to ruffle his hair. Was his appearance that different from Psyche's? He himself couldn't find that many differences. The eyes. The eyes were definitely different. While Psyche's were of a bright pink-like colour, his own were darker shades of red. Psyche always joked about how they almost made Izaya look like a demon.  
Izaya sometimes thought that his twin was right. Nobody liked demons right? Demons had no one to love them right? So maybe he really was a demon then?

Izaya tore his eyes away from the mirror and stepped into the shower. He then turned it on and just stood there, letting the water hit his body. He may have started crying again but Izaya didn't care. He had closed his eyes in hope of getting a few more hopeful thoughts. He tried to imagine starting this day as Shizuo's boyfriend. Would he have gotten up at all, or would he just have waited for Shizuo to come into his room and cuddle with him under the blankets? That sounded nice. The image quickly faded from Izaya's mind when he heard loud knocking on the door.

"Who's in there?"

"It's Izaya, dad."

"Alright, hurry up, will you!"

Izaya opened his eyes when he heard footsteps, indicating that his father had left. He quickly washed his hair and body and then stepped out of the shower. He grabbed a towel and started drying himself off. He had wanted to stay under the warm water for a bit longer but it was never a good idea to let his father wait. He would get angry and that always ended badly and judging by the sound of his father's voice the man was already a little bit incensed. Izaya looked at the clothes he had picked out again and thought about whether they would be to Shizuo's liking or not again. He was hopeless he knew that. But he just couldn't stop. He didn't want to believe that there was no chance for him. You're supposed to never give up hope, right? Then that's what he would do, even though it was so hard that it almost seemed impossible.

He quickly dressed himself and brushed his teeth and thne he stepped out of the bathroom. He went back to his room to get his school stuff and his black jacket. It wasn't really cold outside but just not warm enough to walk around in only just a shirt. He took a glance at his clock to check the time. 7:17, that meant he still had about 13 minutes before they had to leave. He grabbed his things and left his room.

He dragged his body down the stairs and took a seat at the table. He sat down and hung his head, hiding his face from the rest of his family. His behaviour wasn't questioned of course. The little twins were busy with each other; Psyche was checking his phone every two seconds for a new message of his beloved and his mother, well she was making pancakes for Psyche and the girls. Izaya wouldn't get any, he knew that. His mother would come to serve them and then she would look at Izaya and pretend as if she hadn't had enough ingredients to make enough for all of them and then she would kindly ask Izaya if his siblings could have the ones she had made. Izaya always agreed having been shown what happens if he doesn't by his father. It hadn't been pretty. He had to go to a doctor to let the wound be examined and treated.

Izaya raised his head to look at the clock that was ticking in the corner of the kitchen. He still had about 8 minutes left. Enough time for him to fix himself something for breakfast. He got up and went to the cupboard to get some cereal and a bowl. His mother didn't even look at him. She didn't say anything but that it how it has always been. Izaya then went over to the fridge to get some milk for his cereal, when he opened the door he heard his father enter the kitchen. He quickly took the milk, poured some in his bowl and then he put it back in the fridge. When he turned around to go back to his seat at the table he found that his father was now occupying that spot. He couldn't sit there now. He looked over to the empty seat next to Psyche just as his mother was sitting down there. There was no empty seat now. There was never enough room at the table for the whole family and Izaya was always the one who had to take a seat elsewhere. Izaya grabbed a spoon and went to sit on the couch in the living room. Nobody even spared him a glance.

Izaya sat down on the couch with a sigh. He started eating his breakfast and listened to his family talking and laughing in the kitchen. It stung. It really did, but it had always been like that. They just didn't want Izaya in their life. He sometimes wondered if he should be sad because he was neglected and treated badly or if he should actually be happy that they had not thrown him out yet. He knew he shouldn't be happy about his situation but he was already sad because of so many things, wouldn't it be nice to feel happy about something for a change? He shook his head and finished the last of his cereal. He was just about to lean back into the cushions and relax for a little bit more when he heard knocking on the front door and the sound of Psyche's feet rushing to greet his boyfriend.  
Izaya took a deep breath and got up. He went into the kitchen to get his things and then he went up to the door. Shizuo was standing there, leaning his back against the wall, Psyche nowhere to be seen. Izaya faltered in his steps. Shizuo was just so… so… handsome. He was just standing there but Izaya already felt himself drawn to him. His bleached blond hair, his mocha brown eyes. Izaya would have stared at Shizuo for a little while longer if the blond hadn't started speaking with him.

"Hey, idiot, are you free tonight?"

Izaya knew what was coming. He was going to help Shizuo release some tension tonight. He wanted to say no. He wanted to just walk up to blond and kiss him. But he didn't. He couldn't, he wasn't like that. Instead he just nodded his head and put his hands in his pockets trying to keep his calm.

"Cool."

At that moment Psyche walked up to the two. He had gotten his things. They were now ready to leave. Psyche shouted a goodbye to his parents and got a 'See you later, son' from his father and a 'have fun, Psyche-chan' from his mother in return. Izaya did the same, although he didn't really shout, it sounded more like he was begging in a loud voice; begging for an answer. But none came. He smiled sadly to himself and then followed the other two out of the door.

He always walked a few steps behind the couple, saying he was giving them their privacy when in truth;_ it was just so he could imagine himself holding Shizuo's hand all the way to school._

* * *

**_That's it for chapter 2. I tried making this one a little bit longer than the first one. :) Anyways this is supposed to be a normal morning for Izaya. I know you were probably expecting a little bit of action or just expected something to happen, but I decided to do this chapter so you could really see what Izaya feels like every day. I hope there aren't that many mistakes. :)  
Don't forget to tell me wether you like it or not! :)) See you next chapter!_**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter 3! Enjoy! :)**_

* * *

When they reached the school Izaya was still a few steps behind the couple. He sighed and hung his head again. He didn't want to go to school. He wanted to just stay right where he was and look at Shizuo a bit more. He knew that he couldn't do that. Shizuo had to go to school too, and he would never stay with Izaya alone.

Izaya took a deep breath, raised his head and stepped through the big school gate. He had lost sight of Psyche and his beloved, but he was kind of thankful for that. However much he enjoyed looking at Shizuo, it hurt to see him clinging to his twin.  
Izaya let his gaze wander over the schoolyard, not many students were there yet, Psyche always liked to get to school early. Izaya came to the conclusion that he did that so he could show people how much of a great couple Shizuo and he are. Sometimes Izaya wondered if a small part of Psyche even wanted to make him jealous. It didn't seem very likely. Psyche was always sweet and nice and loving and… he was just perfect. Such behaviour didn't seem to suit him. But sometimes Izaya felt that his twin's display of affection was just so mocking, but that may have only seemed that way to him because he was just so, so… so jealous.

Izaya noticed another teen with a beanie on his head walking through the school gate and he allowed himself a little smile. The other was one of his friends… or more like one of the few people, who tolerated the brunette. Kadota-kun or rather Dotachin as Izaya liked to call him. He was one of the few people who managed to bring a smile to Izaya's face. Izaya wasn't really interested in the teen; it was more like he had to smile because he envied the other. Kadota seemed so indifferent to everything, but in a good way. He was strong, he could control his emotions. You could never see whether he was angry, happy or even sad. He always wore a perfect mask and that's why Izaya envied him. He wanted such a mask too. One he could hide behind, without anyone ever noticing that he was just so broken inside. It was not like people noticed now but that was just because they didn't care.

Izaya shook his head to get rid of the depressing thoughts, shoving them back into a corner in his mind. He started walking towards Kadota and waved his hand when the other teen turned to look at him. The brunette got a small nod in response. When he reached the other teen he silently stood beside him, waiting for Kadota to start speaking.

It took Kadota a few moments before he really acknowledged the brunettes presence, it was not like he was ignoring Izaya; he just liked silence.

"Good morning Orihara-kun."

"Morning, Dotachin."

Then they were silent again. But it was a welcome silence, both of them enjoyed it. They had nothing to talk about so they didn't speak with each other, silently enjoying the feeling of not being alone. Izaya probably enjoyed it more than Kadota since he felt lonely most of the time and he knew that the other one actually had friends he did stuff with after school. Izaya sighed and tried to put a smile on his face. He wanted to enjoy this moment of peace a little while longer.

"Kadota-kun! Orihara-kun!"

Izaya looked at a brunette teen running towards them. Kadota also shifted his gaze to look at the newcomer. It was Shinra. He was the second one of Izaya's so called friends. He was really energetic and happy so Izaya sometimes found it hard to stay around him for a long time. Izaya just didn't want to ruin his happiness with his sad and depressing thoughts. He really liked Shinra though; the other seemed to really care about him. He would sometimes ask Izaya how he was doing, saying the brunette looked upset or even sad. Izaya always shrugged it off as being nothing important. Shinra then would just squeeze his shoulder in a comforting way and smile at Izaya, telling him everything would be okay sooner or later. Izaya always found that strange, Shinra didn't know anything about him but he still seemed to understand him in some way, but when Izaya tried thanking the other or when he asked him why he thought that he looked sad the other would just shrug and then continue talking and laughing about the most random things.

At first, Izaya had always thought, he did that because he was not really interested but now he was sure it was because Shinra knew that Izaya wasn't comfortable speaking about it. It was an act of kindness, not of bitterness like the ones Izaya was used to. It was a weird feeling having somebody being concerned about him. It was weird… but nice.

"Morning Kishitani-kun"

"I told you to call me Shinra, Kyohei-kun!"

Kadota just nodded his head.

"Oh! Good morning to you too Orihara-kun!"

"A-ah, yes. Good morning."

Izaya still wasn't used to getting greeted so enthusiastic even though he had already known Shinra for nearly a year now. When Izaya looked at the other brunette he wondered why he was so cheerful today. Maybe his girlfriend had spent the night or maybe he had gotten a new model kit for his chemistry experiments. Izaya could have thought about a lot more things that could have caused Shinra to be so happy today, the other seemed to always have something to be happy about. It was kind of frustrating in a way. It seemed so unfair that one person had so many things to be happy about, when another one had absolutely nothing to be happy about.

But Izaya had to accept that, he had learned by now that life just wasn't fair.

Izaya was ripped from his thoughts when he heard his overly energetic friend address him.

"So, how are you on this fine day Orihara-kun?"

"Al-alright, I guess…"

"Ah, I see."

Shinra pinched his nose and grabbed Izaya's arm with his hand and dragged the other teen a few steps away. Izaya was confused.

"So, are you finally going to tell me what is wrong?"

Izaya was even more confused now. Why was Shinra acting like that? Did he look even more pathetic than usual? Had he started crying again, without him noticing? No, none of that. Maybe Shinra just had had enough of him shrugging the conversation off every time.

"What are you talking about? I'm sor-sorry but I really don't know what you're t-trying to say here, haha."

"Stop that, Orihara-kun, sarcasm doesn't suit you."

Izaya's eyes widened and his mouth hung open. Was Shinra really that concerned? A warm feeling started spreading in his chest. It was nice. Was that how it felt to feel loved?

Izaya took a few shaky breaths and then he started trembling. He looked at Shinra and found the other one staring at him. But it was a nice stare; it was filled with concern and sympathy.

Izaya just stood there trembling, waiting for something to happen. He had expected Shinra to turn around and leave or to laugh at him, but he definitely did not expect what happened next.

He had not expected Shinra to take a step forward to embrace Izaya in a warm hug. Izaya's eyes widened even more. And when he felt a comforting hand rubbing circles on his back he couldn't stop the tears anymore.  
And then right there Izaya Orihara turned into a sobbing mess in the arms of Shinra Kishitani; the one person that truly, really cared about him.

* * *

**_YAY! Another one done! :) I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please tell me what you think of the story so far! :)) Thank you for reading! :D_**

_**over and out. ~**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4! I hope you enjoy. :)  
**_

* * *

Izaya didn't know how long he had been crying for. He had just broken down in his friend's arms, clinging to the boy's shirt and listening to the comforting words the other was whispering from time to time. He had tried to stop a few times but the tears just kept coming, he couldn't stop them. His emotions were finally overpowering his strong will not to cry in front of others.  
But his mind told him that it was alright to cry, finally it was alright to show weakness, because now there was someone to accept and comfort him. Shinra was there to listen to his problems, maybe Kadota too; He had not moved from his spot a few steps beside the other two teens.

Izaya was sure that by now the bell had rang and classes had started. He had heard Kadota talking to someone some time ago, he was now sure that it had been a teacher and that Kadota hat explained the situation to him so that they could stay outside for a while. Somewhere in his mind Izaya had registered the other students passing by, he had heard them whisper and talk to each other. But he didn't listen. He didn't care about what they were saying at all. At that time it was not important to Izaya if they talked about him or if they laughed at him. For Izaya, it was just important that he felt safe and welcome.

Izaya snuggled deeper into Shinra's embrace and sniffled.

"Are you feeling better now?"

Shinra's voice sounded calm and quiet. Izaya just nodded his head not really trusting his voice. He could feel Shinra smiling.

"Want to go to class? Or do you want us to go to the infirmary so we can really talk about this?"

"C-ca-can we please go t-to the i-infir-mary?"

"Of course. Come on then… it's alright if Kadota comes too right?"

Izaya just nodded his head again. When Shinra stopped stroking his back and he freed himself from the embrace Izaya felt a bit of the warmth leave his chest and a he could feel a small amount of loneliness return. He just shook his head and then he looked at Shinra and tried to force a smile on his face. He heard Kadota snort in the background.

"Don't force it. You don't have to smile when you're not feeling like it."

Izaya just nodded and hung his head again. Then he felt Shinra tugging at his arm, reminding him of the fact that they wanted to go to the infirmary. He started walking but it was more like Shinra was dragging him than him really walking on his own. His feet just wouldn't really listen to him, but Shinra didn't seem to mind at all. He even stopped walking a few times when Izaya nearly stumbled over his feet and almost fell. Izaya could hear Kadota walking behind them and he wondered what the other was thinking about. He didn't seem to be that concerned about Izaya, but Izaya had never really been able to see through his mask.

When they reached the infirmary they found it empty but since Shinra often helped the nurse clean up or even treat students he told them that they could just sit down, he would explain the situation of the nurse should come in at some point. Izaya went to sit on one of the couches and hung his head. Shinra and Kadota took a seat opposite of him on two chairs. Kadota folded his hands in his lap and just sat there, looking at nothing in particular.

Shinra pinched his nose again and then he looked at Izaya, he studied the other teen for a few moments, waiting for the right moment to start asking him about his behavior. Izaya didn't look all that comfortable, he hid his hands under his legs and he was looking at his lap. He looked like was ready to start crying again any second. Shinra sighed and decided that it didn't matter if he waited a few moments more, because Izaya would not get any more comfortable.

"So? What's wrong?"

Izaya flinched; he didn't want to talk about things just yet. He just sat there and said nothing, keeping his eyes fixed on his lap. After a few seconds he just shook his head, signalizing that he was not ready yet. Shinra and Kadota seemed to accept that and Izaya thanked them in his mind. It was nice that they weren't pushing him. They didn't force him to tell them everything.

"This is about Shizuo, right?"

Izaya's head snapped right up and he stared wide eyed at the beanie wearing teen. Did he just hear him right? How did Kadota manage to figure that out? Kadota didn't really care that much about him, right? It couldn't be. He must have heard wrong, there was no way that the other just hit the nail on the head. Izaya started shaking and he tried to force out a laugh, it didn't really work and it sounded more like he was coughing in a weird way rather than laughing but Izaya didn't notice. There were too many thoughts flashing trough his mind.

"Hahahah, wh-what hahaha, what are you talking about, hahahaha?"

"I know that you're in love with him."

Izaya didn't know what to do. Someone had figured it out. Someone knew the one secret he had tried to hide so well. It couldn't be. Had it been that obvious?

"Hahaha… I don't know what you're trying to say here, Dotachin. Hahaha, did you hear what you just said hahahahaha, you're so funny."

Izaya tried to laugh the whole thing off. It didn't really work, because he wasn't really able to laugh. His voice sounded weak and broken. He turned his gaze to the floor again. He could already feel the tears running down his cheeks. He was just so confused. First he figures out that there are people who really care about him and who are trying to help him and then he finds out that these people probably knew all along. They knew how much he was hurting and why he was hurting. They knew that he was in love with his twin's boyfriend. They knew… and they understood.  
Izaya closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes again, he asked in a voice that was not much more than a whisper.

"How?"

It was silent for a few moments but then he could hear the two other boys shifting in their seats. They didn't say anything but Izaya could feel them looking at him. This time the silence was uncomfortable. He did not gain any sense of warmth or compassion from it; it was just a bone-crushing silence.

"It's quite obvious actually…"  
Izaya winced at the sound of Shinra's voice. The teen hadn't spoken for quite a while. Izaya weakly raised his head to show that he was listening and he was greeted with a warm smile from the glasses wearing boy in front of him.

"… the way you look at him. It's in your eyes. Normally they are filled with sadness and loneliness but when you look at Shizuo there's this flicker of joy and boundless love. Your whole face changes actually, it's quite cute. And the tips of your ears always glow bright red. You just seem to be a whole different person when he's around."

Izaya listened to Shinra, even though he wasn't sure if he should believe a few things the other boy said. Shinra said that his eyes looked joyful but that was just stupid. Why should he look joyful when he saw Shizuo clinging to his twin? Sure, the blond was beautiful no matter who he was clinging to but it just seemed weird to Izaya. But what astonished him the most was the fact that Shinra had noticed all that. Izaya himself hadn't noticed, but Shinra had. He had actually paid that much attention; he had been able to even notice the smallest of changes.  
Izaya felt the warm feeling of happiness returning to his chest once more and he couldn't stop the small smile forming on his face. Shinra gave him a big smile in return and Izaya was sure he had even seen the corner of Kadota's mouth raise. He gave a weak laugh and shook his head to clear his mind.

"So what do you want to do?"

Izaya gave Shinra a very dumbfounded look. The other just laughed and smiled.

"To get you and Shizuo together of course!"

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_**Another one done! I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as the others. I'm not really satisfied with it but my mind just didn't want me to write properly today, it was too fixed on the olympics! :)  
****As always, thank you for reading and don't forget to tell me whether you like the chapter! :))**_

over and out. ~


	5. Chapter 5

_**Chapter 5! Enjoy. :)**_

* * *

"NO!"

Izaya didn't know where the strength for that shout had come from. His body was trembling and his hands were shaking uncontrollably. He looked at Shinra wide eyed and got the same look in return. Only Shinra's wasn't mixed with the same horror as his was.  
Izaya didn't even know why he had yelled. Wasn't Shinra's support what he had always wanted? He wanted to get together with Shizuo, that was everything he ever wanted. So why had he protested when Shinra suggested it? For a moment Izaya really couldn't find a reason for his behavior but then a single picture flashed trough his mind. It was an old picture, one he had seen on Psyche's bedside table one day. Psyche had just jumped into Shizuo's arms when the picture was taken. They were both smiling. They looked so happy.  
Izaya's heart fell. That was it. That was why he couldn't do anything. Shizuo was already happy. He was already in love with Psyche. There was no room for Izaya. Izaya's place would never be in these strong arms. He just didn't belong there.  
And then he realized why he had yelled at the boy who wanted nothing more than help him. He didn't want to destroy Shizuo's happiness. If the blond was happier without him, he just had to accept that. Deep inside the brunette knew that he would never be able to do that but there was no other way.

"… he's already happy without me."

His voice had not been more than a whisper but the two other teens had heard. And they looked at each other with concern. They hadn't realized before just how depressed and lonely Izaya really was. They had known for a long time that the other adored his twin's boyfriend. The longing was evident in his eyes. But even now that they had confronted the boy they didn't know what to do next. They just hadn't been able to watch the brunette suffer in silence any longer. They wanted to help, to bring a smile to Izaya's face.  
They knew it would be hard if they were really going to try to get Izaya and Shizuo together. They knew how deeply in love Shizuo was... with Psyche. They knew that he would never hurt his beloved. They knew Izaya was actually right, however much it hurt him. Izaya just didn't seem to belong with Shizuo. His twin had gotten that place in this life. But they couldn't tell Izaya that. They knew that deep, deep inside of Izaya, there was still hope. The brunette probably didn't even realize it himself, but somewhere in his mind, or rather his heart, there was this never dying hope; the hope that someday Shizuo would come to love him; that one day, he would be the blondes happiness.  
Shinra and Kadota had seen the flicker of hope grow and they had seen it almost vanishing. On the very few days that the perfect couple actually fought, the flicker would grow. They knew that Izaya wasn't really happy that they fought. Psyche was still his twin after all. But the hope inside him just rose, he couldn't control it.  
And then there were days when Psyche and Shizuo were overly affectionate with each other and you could hear them express their love for each other over and over again. On these days, no one could really tell what was keeping Izaya alive. He just looked so broken. There wasn't even that fake mask he usually tried to fool people with. There was just a broken shell of a boy who was just so hurt and lonely inside.  
And that shell seemed to make his appearance once more right now. The Izaya sat before them now was nothing like the boy who hat sat there just moments ago. Before, Izaya had been sad, crying even, but he had also seemed happy in a way. Happy that there were finally people who were there to listen to him… friends. But now, there was a corpse in front of them. The boy was shaking uncontrollably and tears were streaming down his pale face.  
Shinra took a deep breath and bent over to embrace the boy but he jumped in his seat when the door suddenly snapped open.

"What's going on in here?"

Kadota and the boy beside him raised their heads to look at the nurse that had just arrived. She had probably hurt the brunette's shout. Izaya didn't move one bit, he just sat there, slowly letting the time pass by. The nurse looked at the two boys and then to the crying boy opposite of them. She studied Izaya for a few seconds before turning her head back to the two other teens. She sighed.

"What's going on here, Kishitani-kun?"

Shinra just shook his head and decided not to answer. The nurse turned to look at Izaya again and there her gaze lingered for a while. She then sighed once more.

"Okay, you two go back to class. I'll take care of him."

Shinra and Kadota silently got up and shot one more comforting look at Izaya. When they shuffled past the nurse, she gently grabbed Shinra's arm and whispered a question in the brunette's ear.

"Is he hurt physically in any way?"

"No."

She gave a relieved sighed this time. But then she felt Shinra shake his head and she looked at him.

"But that doesn't mean that he's okay."

Shinra then left the room, closing the door behind Kadota and himself. The nurse went over to where Izaya was sitting on one of the couches. Unlike Shinra and Kadota she sat down right beside the still crying boy. For a few minutes she didn't say or do anything. She just sat there listening to the teen sobbing beside her. Then suddenly she started humming. It was a slow, soothing melody. At first it could not be heard over the sounds Izaya made but she just continued and after she realized that the brunette could not hear her she started humming louder. She then closed her eyes and smiled, continuing to hum the same melody over and over again. After a while she couldn't hear Izaya's sobbing anymore so she opened her eyes again and turned her had to look at the boy. He was staring at her. His eyes were red and puffy. He looked like a lost child looking at his mother after he had fallen down.

"You don't know the song?"

Her voice was as soft and comforting as the humming had been. It took him a few seconds but then Izaya weakly shook his head.

"What? Has you mom never sung this to you?"

Izaya's eyes seemed to widen even more. He hung his head and when he spoke again his voice was quiet and even more broken than it had ever been before. And even though the nurse only had met Izaya a few moments ago, she could tell that something was terribly wrong and there was a much deeper meaning to the boy's next words, than she could imagine at this point.

"My mom has never sang a song to me."

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_**Sorry that I didn't update yesterday but this chapter just wasn't right... but I fixed it as best as I could! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know in the reviews! **_  
_**Thanks for reading my story so far and see you next chapter! :)**_

_**over and out. ~**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Chapter 6! Enjoy! :)**_

* * *

"Well, she should have!"

The nurse gave a forced laugh, trying to ease the tension. She kept her eyes on Izaya, studying his every move. She was hoping she may notice something that would tell her what was going on in the teen's mind. She had never been in a situation like this before, even though she had already been a nurse at this school for about 6 years now.  
She could handle barfing, scratch wounds and even cure the 'really bad headaches' some students got right before the exams. She had a bucket, a Band-Aid and a generous and caring personality for that. No problem for her. But when it came to the boy sitting right next to her, she was clueless. She couldn't just give him something to make it better. He couldn't throw all of the bad stuff, hiding inside of him, up. This was far more difficult.

"She sang for Psyche, though."

She was ripped from her thoughts when the brunette starting speaking again. His voice still sounded broken and weak, but at least he was speaking out of his own will now, not just answering questions.  
The nurse sighed quietly. What was the boy trying to say? Who was Psyche? She didn't know anything about the boy. She decided to just ask him. And with a quiet and calm voice she did.

"Who is Psyche?"

The boy seemed to consider the question for a few moments. His eyes were blank and he drew in short breaths. Then he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. A smile formed on his face. But it didn't make him look happy. The smile was forced and made him look more insane than anything else. Then he opened his eyes and stared at the white wall. The nurse waited for the boy to start speaking again, she didn't want to scare him out of whatever trance he was in right now.

"Psyche's a good boy. Izaya's bad! Psyche's perfect. He's first. He's always first. Izaya was too late. Mommy and Daddy love Psyche. Psyche's so pretty. Psyche's such a good boy."

The nurse was scared by now. The behavior of the brunette had just changed completely. He was slowly and silently rocking back and forth and his voice sounded broken but not really sad anymore. The sadness was replaced with a childish tone. It made him sound insane. If she hadn't been able to actually see the teen she would have said there was small boy sitting next to her. A small boy that had to suffer at home because of someone called Psyche.

"Psyche? Who is Psyche, Izaya?"

Izaya stopped moving and opened his mouth as if to answer, but not one word went past his lips. He looked lost… broken and lost. The nurse raised her hand to pet the brunettes back comfortingly but she stopped it mid-air when a coughing could be heard from the direction of the door. She turned her head and right then she knew just exactly who Psyche was.

"That would be me."  
The perfect copy of Izaya stated. They looked so much alike, it was almost unbelievable, even for twins. The only difference the nurse could tell, judging from the first glance, was the eyes. Their eyes were totally different in color. Psyche's glowed in a bright pink color and they emitted a sense of pride and a big ego. While making the teen look gorgeous, the nurse couldn't help but note the coldness in these eyes. However bright and shiny they were, there was this coldness inside of them, it was nothing like the pure emotion that could be seen in the other twin's dark red eyes. Izaya's eyes were a dark red, kind of what you imagine a demon's eyes to look like.  
The nurse noticed that the new arrived teen was looking at her, expecting her to do something.  
She cleared her throat and addressed him.

"What are you doing here then, Psyche-kun?"

"My teacher told me to check on him. Apparently he had a breakdown of some sort. He looks fine to me though."

The nurse was bewildered. Had the teen just said that his brother looked fine to him? Izaya did most definitely not look alright. His eyes were red and puffy, he was pale and he was sitting there emitting an aura of sheer brokenness. He had not even seemed to notice his twin's arrival.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of him. You should go back to class."

"No I will stay here until my parents arrive."

She noticed how Izaya tensed beside her, so he had noticed Psyche arrive. He was squeezing his fists so much that the knuckles were already turning white. He seemed to be angry… or afraid?

"So you already called them?"

"Yeah. They'll be here in about 10 minutes."

Izaya seemed to tense even more. The nurse noticed how weird Izaya seemed to react to his parents. He did not seem like he wanted to see them in this situation. He was not even happy or relieved to see his twin, the one person who should understand him the best. She was aware of the fact that teenagers could be quite rebellious, acting like they didn't love their parents at all. But this was different. This was completely different. Instead of acting tough the boy was terrified. It was so wrong. No one should be scared of their own parents. You should go to your parents when you're scared of something and they should give you a hug and tell you that everything will be alright again.  
If a kid or a teen for that matter couldn't talk to his parents, who would he talk to? Sure he could talk to his friends but there are things you only talk to your parents about.

"I don't want to go home."

Izaya's voice was so quiet that it told the nurse that the boy had not wanted his twin to hear that. She gave the brunette a comforting glance but stayed silent. Suddenly she heard a laugh coming from the pink eyed boy. Why was he laughing?

"Hahahahah, is the idiot still too stupid to speak properly, so that people can actually understand what he is saying?"

Izaya winced and hung his head, gazing at the floor.

"Excuse me Psyche-kun but I do not permit such language in my infirmary. Would you be so kind as to apologize to your brother?"

Her voice was tense, she knew that but the teen was just making her so angry. His twin, his other half was obviously not feeling well and he was still calling him names, making fun of him. It was not right. Siblings should stick together. They were supposed to help each other through hard times and not bring each other down even more. Especially twins. Twins were said to have a special relationship, stronger than any other.  
So why was Psyche enjoying his brother's suffering so much?

"I don't want to go home… please."

Izaya was muttering beside her, repeating himself over and over again and she felt so bad for him. She couldn't let him stay here, if his parents were coming to get him, he would have to go with them. She wasn't the one to decide things. She was only a nurse. She had only met the boy and did not even know much more than his name. Even though she did not know a lot she probably still knew more than the boy's own family. Judging from Izaya's behavior, she guessed that Izaya's whole family was treating him the way Psyche was. It was obvious that the boy did not wish to go home. It was not just that he was saying it over and over again, you could just see it. In the way his body tensed when his home was mentioned. You could see it in his eyes, he was begging to stay; begging to be taken away. Away from home.  
How does someone cope with not being welcome at his own home? She couldn't think of an answer.

"Please."

She turned her head to look at the brunette. His eyes were filled with unshed tears and his lips were trembling. He was begging. Begging to stay. Begging her to help him. Begging for something to happen.  
She gave him another sympathetic glance, feeling useless once more, because she couldn't do much more. She then turned back to watching the other teen standing in the doorway. He still had a smirk on his face and he was looking directly at her. She weakly turned her head away.

"Hahahah, now the idiot is crying! This is the best, hahahahah!"

She glared at the laughing teen but then she quickly turned around to watch big tears rolling down the red eyed teen's cheeks.  
Then, suddenly, she could hear a deep voice calling from down the corridor.

"Psyche? Is Izaya there with you?"

"Yes, Yes! He's right here!"  
The nurse could just watch as a tall man stepped into the room and looked directly at Izaya. The teen did not meet the gaze and he stayed where he was, continuing to cry silently. So she had been right, Izaya's father, just like Psyche did not care about Izaya all that much.

"Get up."

The twin's father's voice was ruff and commanding and without a word or even a second of hesitation Izaya got up. He looked at the nurse with one more pleading look before he hung his head and walked over to his father.

"Sorry that you had to bother with him. I'll be sure to teach him a lesson."

The nurse was left speechless, when without another word the Oriharas left and she was all alone in the infirmary.

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_**I'm sorry that I'm uploading so late! But I'm even more sorry for what I'm uploading, this chapter is just... agh, it's not really anything. I don't like it and by now I freaking hate myself for letting the nurse enter the picture. She just doesn't do anything. Well, anyways... I'll try to do better with the next chapter! I hope to see you then! :) **_

_**over and out. ~**_


	7. Chapter 7

**_Chapter 7! Enjoy. :)_**

* * *

Izaya silently followed his father and his brother out of the room and down the hallway. He was afraid to anger his father any further, things were already bad enough. He raised his head to look at his father's back. The man's back was straight and he took big steps. He looked so proud, almost too proud of himself, when he was just walking. However bad he treated him, Izaya couldn't help but look up to his father. As a little kid Izaya had wanted nothing more than to be praised by his father, he had tried everything so that his father would be proud of him. Nothing worked though.

His father had never praised Izaya for anything, he hadn't even been interested in the things his son had done. He had just had eyes for his other son. The perfect little Psyche.  
As a kid Izaya never understood why his parents were so distant to him. He thought it was his own fault. He had always assumed that he just wasn't trying hard enough. So the little boy had gone all out and tried anything, just to have his parents look at him. He had studied hard and got to the top of his class. He had been so proud when he had gotten his first term paper with only A's on it. He had been smiling all the way home.

His hopes, however, had been crushed the moment he stepped through his front door. His mother had gone straight past him to hug his twin. For a second Izaya had thought she had done that to comfort the other, because his term paper hadn't been as good as Izaya's. But when even after minutes of waiting she had not even looked at Izaya, he understood that he hadn't tried hard enough this time either. He had hung his head and had left the piece of paper on the kitchen table, after that he had silently gone to his room, where he had stayed for the rest of the day, silently crying.

When Izaya was about twelve, he had stopped trying. He just didn't have it in him to try anymore. He had accepted that his parents would never praise him for anything. They would never be proud of anything he did. Hell, he could find the cure for cancer and they still would only look at his twin.  
While he had stopped trying he had started thinking more. He had tried to figure out why his parents treated him the way they did. But to this day, he hadn't found a reason.

Izaya let his gaze wander over to his twin's back. He was bent forward, laughing and chatting with his father. Izaya sighed. He had never been the one to blame his twin for anything, although he sometimes wondered if his parents would love him if the other didn't exist. Would his parents love him if Psyche had never been born? There still would be Mairu and Kururi, of course. But Izaya would have been first then. He would have been their only one for a few years.

Izaya shook his head and cleared his head of such thoughts. He couldn't change the past, he shouldn't even be thinking about such stupid things.  
He kept walking behind his father, now once more looking at his back.

"I have to leave now, Dad."

"Alright, see you at home, Psyche."

Izaya just stared at his twins retreating back. He was alone with his father now and that never turned out good for him. He stopped walking to look at his father, who had also stopped and was just standing there, right in front of the school entrance. Izaya watched silently as his father closed his eyes and sighed. He was scared. Most people think it would be stupid to be afraid of your own father, but for Izaya it was different. The man didn't care about him. He despised him.

"What did I do to deserve something like you?"

His father words stung. They were like a punch right to the face and Izaya winced. He hung his head, already feeling warm, salty tears running down his cheeks. He raised a hand to his mouth to stop himself from making even the smallest of sound. He was crying without a sound and trembling all over. But he just couldn't stop it. He was tired, weak and… scared.  
For the first time in his life, Izaya was happy that his father was not looking at him.

"Keep walking, Psyche's mother is waiting."

And with that he started walking again, leaving the school ground and starting in the direction of their house. Izaya followed with shaky steps, still trying to not let a sound get past his lips. He couldn't really see the things in front of him, his vision was blurry. There were too many tears still left in his eyes. Izaya was by now somehow used to the fact that his parents would never love him, but this was one of the few situations where they would not even acknowledge him as their own son. The pain inside of him was unbearable and he just wanted to throw himself back into Shinra's warm, comforting embrace. He wanted to cry out loud for once, let his feelings out of the cage he was keeping them in.

His father did not turn around to look at him once on the whole way back home. He just kept walking, looking straight ahead. It almost seemed as if he wasn't even aware that Izaya was walking behind him.  
When they were only a few streets away from their house Izaya finally stopped sobbing. He took a deep breath and for the first time, while walking home, he raised his head. He raised his arm to wipe away the tears, immediately wetting his sleeve. He tried to wipe the misery from his face, even though he couldn't do that. His eyes were still red and puffy. He was still pale and his lips were still trembling.  
The rest of the way, Izaya kept his eyes locked on his father's back.

When they reached the house Izaya's father stepped inside without a word. Izaya silently followed, with much smaller and slower steps that was. He didn't want to go in there. He would be punished.  
When Izaya finally reached the door that his father had left open he took a deep breath and stepped inside. He couldn't see his father or his mother anywhere. He quickly closed the door and stepped further into the room, but still nobody came up to him.  
Izaya wanted to just storm up into his room and hide away for a few days, but he knew that would only make things worse. He took a deep breath again.

"D-Dad?"

He did not receive an answer to his weak call but he somehow knew that his father had heard him. He knew that both his parents were listening from somewhere.

"Da-D-Dad, I'm s- sor-sorry."

When Izaya heard footsteps he quickly closed his eyes. He was too afraid to keep them open. He knew that it was his father walking up to him; the footsteps were not light enough to be his mothers. And nobody else was home at this time of the day. He kept his eyes closed even when he heard the footsteps come to a halt right in front of him. It was silent for a few moments. Izaya could only hear his father breathing in and out. When he heard his father take a sharp intake of breath, he already winced, knowing what was about to come.

Izaya could somehow already feel the slap before his father's hand actually made contact with his cheek. Maybe he was just used to it. He weakly raised a hand to cover his cheek before he hung his head again. He didn't say a word or made any sound at all. He was afraid he would just upset his father even more. He silently stood there waiting for his father to do something.

"Go."

Just one word. Izaya stared at his father for a few seconds but then he quickly shuffled past him and went up to his room. Izaya collapsed on his bed. He buried his head in his pillow and started crying again. He just lay there, crying for himself. After a few minutes he turned around to lie on his back. He stared up at the ceiling. He was used to his father hitting him, it had happened for a few years now. It had started when Izaya was about 7. He doesn't even remember what he had done the very first time. But since then Izaya father hit him when he felt that Izaya was upsetting him more than normally. Of course Izaya never really did anything really bad.

As Izaya lay there, he thought of all the things that had happened today. He had finally gotten friends… real friends that cared about him. He smiled despite his otherwise depressed mood. Shinra and Dotachin, his friends. And then there was the school nurse. She seemed concerned about him in a way. Izaya had really liked it when she had hummed this lullaby. It reminded him of the times when he had silently listened at the door to his twin's room, when his mother had been singing to Psyche once again. He had always listened in awe. His mother had a beautiful singing voice. Although he had never actually been allowed to listen, he had always been looking forward to sneaking out of bed at night to listen to her sing a song for his twin. The only thing that had mattered to him was to hear her. That had always been enough for him.

Izaya's thoughts went back to Shinra and Kadota. Shinra had suggested that they should try to get Shizuo and him together. Izaya smiled again. It did sound nice. Shizuo and Izaya. Izaya and Shizuo. Shi-Shizaya. Izaya almost giggled at the sound of that. But as fast as the happy thoughts had come, they left. Izaya smiled sadly. There would never be an Izaya right behind and Shizuo. There would never be a Shizaya. There would just be a Psyzou or a Shiche. Izaya grimaced, that did sound awful, even if it was the truth. Izaya wiped a few of the new tears away and sighed. He had just stared at his ceiling for a few moments when he suddenly froze.

He had completely forgotten that he had said he would meet Shizuo later tonight. He groaned. He couldn't take that today. Not that he was ever completely fine with the whole thing. But today he just wasn't in the mood. The day had taken a turn to the worst already. He didn't want Shizuo to ruin it completely again with his undying love for Psyche. Deep inside Izaya was always looking forward to these meetings with the blonde. He was a healthy, young teenager he sought physical contact with his crush. He wanted to touch and he wanted to be touched. But he also knew how wrong it was to seek this contact from his twin's boyfriend. No matter how much Izaya loved the other there was always this feeling of guilt inside of him. He was betraying Psyche. And he was also helping Shizuo betray his brother. He sighed and buried his head in his hands. Why did life have to be so complicated?

Suddenly his phone buzzed in his pocket. He took it out and looked at the screen. It was a message… from Shizuo. Izaya stared at it. He knew what was written in there. He knew it but that still didn't stop him from daydreaming for a little bit. He imagined how nice it would be to open the message and just read the words 'I love you'. The words he longed to hear so much from the blonde. Izaya sighed and shook his head. He should stop getting his hopes up. He flipped his phone open and opened the message.

'Come over at 6:30 sharp.'

Nothing more.  
He opened a reply and typed the words 'I LOVE YOU!'. His finger hovered over the send-button for a while. He wondered what the other would reply to that. Izaya shook his head and gave a weak laugh.  
He quickly deleted his confession and just typed 'Ok.'. He sent that message.

Izaya flapped his phone shut and flung it across the room where it landed on a chair.  
He flipped himself over and buried his head in his pillow once more. He just stayed like that for a long time, silently listening to the clock ticking in the corner.

Waiting for it to reach a new day, a day on which he would finally be able to actually confess his love.

* * *

**_Since I take a little longer to update now, I thought I would try to make the chapters longer. :) And also because your reviews are so nice! So I really hope you enjoy this chapter and the whole story so far! :) As always, thanks for reading and reviewing! _**

**_over and out. ~_**


	8. Chapter 8

_**Finally chapter 8! Enjoy! :)  
**_

* * *

It was nearly six and Izaya was still lying in his bed. He had spent the previous hours thinking about Shizuo. He had drifted of a few times, gladly accepting the lulling call of sleep. Despite the nightmares that would haunt him from time to time, Izaya really enjoyed sleeping. It was a time for him to pretend.

Izaya lazily opened his eyes and took a look at his clock. 5:57. He would have to get ready soon. He didn't want to. He wanted to stay in his bed and hide away forever. He was not in the mood to see Shizuo, however absurd that sounded to him. Of course he wanted to see the blonde; he always wanted to see the other. But not like this. He didn't want the blonde like this. This was wrong and it hurt. It hurt being so near Shizuo without actually being close. Izaya sighed and held back the tears that threatened to fall. He had cried enough already.

He sighed once again and slowly got up. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and wondered if he should take a shower first. Would Shizuo appreciate it? Izaya scoffed and weakly shook his head. He was doing it again, only thinking of the blonde. Izaya ran his hand through his hair and decided just to shower after he got back. He would have to clean himself up anyway. Izaya silently went over to his wardrobe and pulled out a new shirt. It was of a dark purple color. He really liked that shirt and he had heard one day that Shizuo apparently really liked the color purple. He gave a weak laugh and then hung his head. He really decided a lot of things with only Shizuo's interests or likings in mind.

Izaya quickly put the shirt on and looked at himself in the mirror again, deciding whether he should comb his hair or not. He ruffled his own hair and decided that he was going for the rebel look today, maybe Shizuo would like that. He suddenly froze and let himself fall onto his bed. He hid his head in his hands as the tears started falling from his eyes.

He had to stop. He had to stop all of this forsaken hope. Shizuo wouldn't just fall in love with him, because he wore his hair slightly different. The blonde would probably not even be able to tell the difference. And the other would not care about the shirt Izaya wore. He shook his head and just sat there crying for a few minutes. He felt that everything was just so pointless. Why try when nothing is going to change?

He weakly raised his head to look at the clock once more. 6:07, he should get going. He slowly got up and went over to slip into his sneakers. He took a deep breath again and quietly opened his door, quickly grabbing his jacket and his phone in the process. He closed his door again and leaned his back against it. He could see nobody in the hallway, so it was easy for him to slip out of the house without anyone noticing. He still tried to be quiet even though he knew that his family would not even spare him a glance if he was to fall down the stairs. When he reached the bottom of the stairs he waited for a few seconds, making sure that nobody would cross his path on the last meters. He froze when he heard laughter and giggling coming from the living-room.

He cringed and hung his head. Of course, it was Monday. Family-day. The one day of the week Izaya despised the most. Not just because it was the first day of school after the weekend, he really didn't mind that so much, but rather because of this little family tradition. Every Monday, well every Monday after Kururi and Mairu reached the age of 5, the Orihara family would get together in the living-room to watch some movies together. Izaya had never been allowed to participate. He never asked his parents about it, he figured they just didn't want them there. It was a time they spent with their beloved children. Izaya's mother had once told him that and even after he had stared at her with the most shocked and heartbroken look, she did not notice how much it hurt her son. His mother had declared that she really didn't love him. Figuring something out or guessing is totally different from actually having it confirmed from the person. It was different hearing it. There was a huge difference. Hearing it… hurt a lot more.  
Izaya learned that at the age of 9.

He just stood there for a few moments, listening to his family in the other room. It hurt. It hurt so much that he just wanted to break down right there. He clenched his fists. He wanted to yell at them, tell them that they were supposed to love him too. He wanted to make them realize that he was their son too. He wanted… He just wanted to be loved.  
He was glad for Shinra and Kadota, but he wanted more. He wanted a family. He wanted a mother and a father. He wanted a happy little family. He wanted a family that loved him.

He slowly unclenched his fists, so that he could wipe away the tears that were spilling from his eyes once more. It must have been the hundredths time he started crying today. That was not normal, not even for him. He slowly hung his head, accepting defeat without even starting a fight. Why should he? Even if he yelled at his parents, he already knew the answers he would get. He would not like them. They did not accept him as their son, and they never would. He did not have to hear that from them. He already knew.

Izaya took a deep breath and started dragging himself to the backdoor in the kitchen. Just when he was about to step out of the house a loud 'That's my son!', coming from his father, stopped him. He turned his head to look into the direction of the living room. The need to just storm in there rose once again. Reminding himself of his earlier thoughts it quickly died away and he stepped out of the house, completely broken.

The way to Shizuo's house wasn't that long, but it still gave Izaya enough time to let his mind wander for a bit. Although he mainly thought about the blonde and what was about to happen in a few minutes, when he would reach his destination, he also thought about a thing Psyche had said a few days ago, something about Shizuo's cousin coming to study here for a few months or something. If he remembered correctly he was supposed to arrive sometime this week.

Izaya stopped thinking about that cousin when he found himself standing in front of the Heiwajima residence. He slowly let his gaze wander to the top right window. Shizuo's room.  
The lights were on. Izaya thought about all the things Shizuo could be doing right now. Was he already waiting for him? Was he watching TV?  
Izaya's heart dropped as his mind reached the activity the blonde was probably actually doing. Texting Psyche. Sending sweet little messages to his beloved. A small heart being the end of every single one.

When Shizuo and Psyche had just gotten together, Psyche had tended to show some of them to Izaya. He had felt the urge to show his twin just how happy he was and what a great boyfriend Shizuo was. Izaya had never said anything to him about it but every time he had had to read one of these messages he had felt a burning heat rising in his chest. He wouldn't call it hate but it was certainly stronger than despise or jealousy.

But because Izaya had never complained, his twin had not stopped. Izaya had had to read almost every message Psyche had received until the couple had had a fight for the very first time. Of course it had not been anything big, but teenagers their age liked to exaggerate a lot on such matters.  
Izaya had never really been able to gather a lot about the dispute from Psyche's mindless whining. He just knew that Psyche had done something to upset his boyfriend.

Even though the flicker of hope inside of him had grown at that time, he had not felt happy. He had been the one Psyche had sought out. He had been the one to comfort his twin while trying to control his own feelings.  
Izaya had always wondered why Psyche had always come to him, when he had had trouble with Shizuo. At first Izaya had always thought that Psyche just wasn't comfortable with speaking to their parents about such matters. But that didn't seem very likely. The other brunette had talked to their parents about everything and they had always offered him compassion and gave nice, comforting advice. They had never pushed Psyche aside when the boy had been troubled by something.

One night after Izaya had just gotten back from one of his meetings with Shizuo he had laid in bed, crying his eyes out, when a thought had crossed his mind.

'Maybe Psyche is doing it on purpose. Maybe he knows about my feelings for Shizu-chan.'  
'Maybe he wants to hurt me, make me suffer, like everybody else.'

Although Izaya could not even associate Psyche with feelings like hatred or the thought of hurting someone on purpose, the explanation had just seemed so… fitting.  
It would explain why Psyche had talked to him about matters related to Shizuo but didn't want anything to do with him otherwise. It would just explain everything. But such behavior did not seem to fit someone like Psyche.  
Someone who appeared to be so perfect… so pure.

Izaya shook his head and tried to concentrate. He shouldn't let himself be caught up in old memories now. He gently smacked his own cheeks and fixed his eyes on Shizuo's window once more.  
He pulled out his phone to check the time. 6:27. He figured it would be okay to arrive 3 minutes early. He sighed, as the want to just return home and sleep the rest of the day away rose in his chest. It would be so easy to just turn around and leave.

He shook his head. This was for Shizuo.  
He was helping Shizuo to be happy.  
He was helping the other, by letting him release some tension.  
He was helping the other to stay in a relationship with his twin.  
A relationship he wanted to share with the blonde…

Izaya felt his eyes begin to water again and he quickly wiped at his eyes, desperately trying to get rid of the wetness.  
He took a deep breath and started walking, slowly and careful so that no one besides Shizuo would know that he was there. He walked through the little garden until he reached the backdoor. He pulled out his phone, trying not to make a lot of noise while writing a text to Shizuo stating nothing more than 'backdoor'.

After he had hit the send-button, he just stood there, waiting for the blonde to come and get him. These moments of silence were nerve-racking.  
The thought 'just leave, you don't even want this' flashed strongly in his mind, but his body just wanted to be held. It wanted to feel Shizuo's warmth. No matter how wrong his mind deemed the situation. He was desperate. He just needs someone close to him for once. And the thought of it being Shizuo made it all the more appealing. That thought as always overpowered the one that urged him to leave.

Izaya jumped a little when the door in front of him was suddenly opened.

"Get in."

And with that Shizuo turned around and started walking towards his room, leaving Izaya behind. He always acted so rough, but Izaya knew that the other had a really sweet side to him. He saw it every time the blonde was around his twin.  
Izaya stared at his retreating back and the way his shoulder blades moved for a few seconds before he quickly stepped into the house, trying to close the door as quietly as possible, hurrying after the blonde.  
Izaya quickly went up the stairs and across the hallway to where he knew Shizuo's room was located. The door was open. When he reached the room he turned off the lights and closed the door, just like he always did.

They never did it with the lights on. Shizuo had told him that he always pretended that he was Psyche and it was easier for him when he couldn't fully see the other. Although Izaya himself couldn't find that many differences in their appearances, Shizuo apparently did. That just showed how much he loved Psyche. He was able to memorize the brunettes every detail and could tell the smallest different between him and his almost perfect copy.

Izaya lazily leaned his back against the door, completely hiding his feelings behind a creepy smirk.  
He never showed his feelings in front of Shizuo, he always played tough guy for the blonde. It was hard. It was the hardest thing in the world for Izaya. He had to push away all the love that just seemed ready to burst out of him when he was so close to the other. All that hurt and loneliness inside of him, he did not allow himself to show any of it.  
He had to pretend to be cheeky and hide behind a false smirk. A smirk that everybody could look past, if they would only try. If Shizuo had taken one good look at Izaya he would have been able to see just how wrong that smirk was.

He took a deep breath and looked over to where Shizuo was sitting on the bed, glaring at him. He let his eyes wander over the other's body. There were these longs legs, the strong thighs. He continued his way upward. He reached the black muscle shirt Shizuo was wearing, hiding his beautiful, trained torso. These firm abs. Izaya then rested his eyes on the blonde's arms, fixing his gaze on the biceps.  
Izaya had always admired Shizuo's body, his natural good looks.

Izaya was not in love with his physical appearance only but it just made Shizuo the perfect being Izaya adored. His personality was matched with the perfect body, that as Izaya liked to say 'had been formed by god himself'. He knew there were other good looking guys too. He did not think of Kadota as ugly, for example, but Shizuo was just what he wanted. Everything he wanted.

He let his eyes roam over the blonde's body a bit more, before Shizuo's voice snapped him out of his dreamy state.

"Stop staring and let's get started."

Letting his eyes meet the other's, he could see the desire burning in the mocha brown eyes. The desire, that at the moment, only Izaya could fulfill.  
He cocked his head to the side and gave the blonde a challenging look. How he managed that, he himself did not know.

"Horny, are we?"

He sounded absurd to himself. His voice sounded as unnatural as it was but the other did not seem to notice or he just didn't care.

"Shut up!"

Izaya was used to Shizuo being so grumpy. He always was when Izaya came over. But noticing that the other was in his 'let's get this over with'-mode Izaya crept over to the bed and sat down next to Shizuo.  
His heart was beating so fast and so loud that Izaya was sure Shizuo was able to hear it as well. It seemed to echo from the walls.  
The urge to run away came back. It was even worse than before and it almost managed to overpower the brunette's body's need to be touched. But then it left, as Shizuo attacked.

In the blink of an eye Shizuo had moved, trapping Izaya on the bed, hovering over him. Izaya's heart raced even faster now. The blonde did not ask for permission, he just started tugging at Izaya's clothes, trying to rip them of his body. Shizuo's hands were rough. They hurt. It was nothing like the gently touch Izaya desired. His heart ached and his mind tormented him. 'I told you!'

When the rough hands moved to his pants and he could feel them touch his forming erection, he closed his eyes. He could not bear it. It was too much. Today was just too much. Everything was just too much. He couldn't go on like this anymore. He did not really know what was different today but there was something. And it made everything hurt just so much more. It made emotions overflow and all the feelings much stronger.

Izaya was suddenly pulled against Shizuo's body in a swift move and he could feel something big and slippery barely touching his backside. And that's when his mind decided that Izaya really had had enough that day. He blacked out. He did not faint but Izaya lost all control over his body. He was aware of Shizuo touching him. He could hear the other's hard breathing. He just could not feel it. Everything was a blur to him. He could feel Shizuo nearing his climax but he himself did not feel any pleasure. He was like a lifeless doll. He was there but he could not feel. He felt nothing besides Shizuo moving in and out of him. He could hear him moaning without actually realizing the sound of it.

And then suddenly, everything came crushing down on him. One word. One little word brought him back to reality.

"P-Psyche!"

He suddenly could feel again. And he felt nothing but hurt, shame and loneliness. He felt dirty. Used.  
He could still hear Shizuo panting somewhere above him. He felt the slim line of sweat that was covering his body. He could still feel the warmth were Shizuo's hands had gripped his thighs just moments ago. He heard Shizuo moving and felt him slip out of his own body. He just lay there, not moving. He waited for Shizuo to do something, but the blonde had his head turned away from him. Izaya just stared at the side of Shizuo's face he was able to see.

The need to just reach out his hand and touch the blonde was strong but Izaya stayed where he was, silently watching the other. Completely exhausted and broken. He was cold. All the traces of the blonde's warmth were now gone. He shuddered slightly. He was not aware of the few tears leaking from his eyes, silently rushing down his cheeks. He did not see or hear anything besides Shizuo and the teen's soft breathing.

"Hey Izaya"

The brunette was startled. The other had never called him by his name. Izaya gave a weak grunt, telling the other that he was listening. Shizuo didn't answer at first. He seemed to be in deep thought. After a few minutes, he took a deep breath. He turned his head to look at Izaya. Miserable. Shizuo looked miserable. Izaya did not know how to describe the look on the other's face in any other way. Shizuo's eyes were glazed over with unshed tears and he just looked tense.  
The next words the blonde spoke were words, the brunette never thought he would hear.

"I want to break up with Psyche."

* * *

_**I'm so sorry that this took so long again but I had serious problems with writing the smexy time... and in the end I just left it out. I wrote my way around it. I'm so sorry. :( I just couldn't get it right. Anyways! Haha, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! As always thank you for reading and reviewing and don't forget to tell me what you think about this one! :)**_

_**over and out. ~**_


	9. Chapter 9

_**Chapter 9! Enjoy! :)  
**_

* * *

Izaya just stared at the blonde, mouth wide open. He was trembling but whether it was from shock or excitement, he did not know. He was just so happy inside.  
Shizuo wasn't so madly in love with Psyche anymore. This may be his chance. Finally he could take Psyche's place. He had finally endured enough. Suffered enough.  
Finally he could be together with Shizuo.

But wait. Izaya's heart dropped. If Shizuo didn't like Psyche anymore, why should he like him then?  
He was nothing more than a copy of Psyche, the same in almost every way. What would be there for Shizuo to love, that he couldn't find in Psyche? There was nothing special about Izaya. He was not interesting. He had nothing to beat his twin. To be better than him.

Izaya kept staring at Shizuo. The blonde had hung his head and was staring at his hands. He, too, was trembling. But definitely not out of happiness. The other looked pale and sadness was just written all over his face. This was not the Shizuo Izaya knew and loved so dearly. This was a broken shell of the blonde.

Izaya waited for the other to do something or say something at least. But Shizuo just stayed where he was, not making a single sound. Just quietly suffering. Izaya took a deep breath, before he addressed the blonde, keeping his voice as gentle and quiet as possible.

"W-Why?"

His voice was thin and barely audible but he was sure that Shizuo had heard. The other had stopped trembling and slowly raised his head, staring straight ahead, not looking at Izaya. It took a few moments before he seemed to wake from his trance and spoke up.

"I-I don't rea-really know, it-it's just… not the same any-m-anymore… I guess."

His voice shocked the brunette even more. It was weak and sounded… broken, just like his own. It was nothing like the strong, deep tenor that normally rose from the blonde's throat. This was just not right. Shizuo was not supposed to sound like that. He shouldn't look like that either… so… So broken.

Izaya suddenly wondered if he always looked like that too. The pale skin. The swollen, red eyes glazed over with tears that were threating to fall. Did he really look that miserable too?  
He shook his head and tried to clear his thoughts. He shouldn't be thinking of himself right now.  
He should be trying to help Shizuo now, but he really did not know what to do. He had never been in a situation like this before.

Until now he had always been the one in need of comfort. He had been lonely. Sad. He had been the miserable one. The one with the problems.  
And he had never had anybody comfort him… except for Shinra.  
Izaya tried to think about what Shinra had done to cheer him up that morning. He recalled all the things Shinra had said to him, when he suddenly froze.

He immediately shook his head. He couldn't do something like that. Shizuo would push him away. Hell, he would never look at him again. This was just too wrong. The other would be so angry. He would probably hit him and then throw him out.  
Even though Izaya knew how wrong it was and how fast he could ruin the chance that had just been offered to him, the chance to maybe be together with Shizuo, with that. But he just couldn't think of anything else.

So Izaya took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart, and leaned forward, slowly bringing his arms around Shizuo's shoulders, trapping him in an awkward but comforting embrace.  
He was so scared that the blonde would push him away. That he had just ruined everything.  
But Shizuo just froze, not moving at all. Izaya inwardly sighed. At least the other hadn't pushed him off yet. The other teen still had his gaze fixed on his hands, resting in his lap, but then, ever so slowly he leaned back into the brunette, accepting the hug.

Izaya's heart was racing even more, the thumbing loudly echoing in his ears. He felt Shizuo shift a little and froze, afraid that Shizuo might be scared away by his movements. Their position was awkward but neither seemed to care. Shizuo was feeling way too confused and emotionally drawn to really register what was happening and he wouldn't have had the power to protest anyway.  
Izaya on the other hand was trying to absorb as much of Shizuo's warmth as possible, quietly enjoying the moment. Feeling Shizuo so close to him, he felt something he had never felt before. He had never felt happier in his entire life.  
He was hugging his favorite person on the whole planet. He was hugging the person he loved.

Of course there was doubt swimming around somewhere in his mind, telling him that Shizuo would probably have accepted comfort from everyone in this situation, that he probably had not even realized who he was hugging right now. But the brunette didn't care. It was not important. Nothing besides this embrace was important to Izaya right now. And for once in his life Izaya had real, happy thoughts that were strong enough to overpower all the doubt and sadness in his mind.

Both teens just sat there in silence. Izaya wondered if he should say something or if he should just give Shizuo time to think things over. He decided that he would give the blonde all the time he needed. He would even sit with him like that for years if that was how long Shizuo needed. Izaya would wait for him. He would wait for Shizuo… forever.

The silence continued for minutes before Izaya looked over to Shizuo's alarm clock on the bedside table. 8:27 kept flashing on the screen in big red numbers. Izaya inwardly cringed. As much as he wanted to stay with Shizuo he would have to go soon. His parents would go to bed soon and they would lock all the doors. He wouldn't be able get into the house then. His parents would find out everything about his meetings with Shizuo and then… He didn't even dare to finish the thought.

Izaya did not want to leave. He did not want to destroy this precious moment. Not yet. Not so soon.

He sighed and tightened his arms. He could feel the other tense in his embrace, but Shizuo stayed where he was, leaning against Izaya, head still down. Izaya spoke as quietly as he could, not wanting to scare the blonde.

"I have to go Shizu-chan."

Izaya had never spoken to the other in such a voice. Until now he had always tried to sound cool and though, hiding his real feelings. But now his voice was gentle and soft.  
Shizuo continued to lean against Izaya and at first it seemed like he hadn't even heard the other teen, but after a few seconds he slowly moved forward, wiggling himself out of the brunette's hold.

With Shizuo's warmth gone, a small bit of loneliness seemed to return almost immediately, but Izaya tried to shake it off. When Shizuo had moved to sit down on the bed a short distance away from Izaya, the brunette himself rose from the bed. Moving slowly, still not wanting to leave.  
He watched Shizuo for a moment, trying to take a look at his face but the blonde had already sat down on the bed again, facing the wall, hiding his face from Izaya.

The red eyed teen just stood there for a few seconds, staring at Shizuo's back. Then he walked to the door, turning his head to look at the other once more.  
He took a shaky breath and the he opened the door, leaving Shizuo alone in the dark room.

He tried to close the door as silently as possible, not wanting the rest of the Heiwajima family to see him. He then started to make his way down the hallway. He kept his head down trying to organize his own thoughts.  
But then he suddenly bumped into something. Something warm… something human. Someone.

Izaya froze and his eyes widened as much as they could. He had been caught. Everyone was going to know what he had done. They were all going to hate him even more now. Everything was over.  
He kept his head down, too afraid to look at the person in front of him. He was just so scared.

He closed his eyes when he felt the other person take a step back. He tensed, waiting for the other person to start yelling at him. Giving him what he probably deserved. But nothing came.  
After a few seconds Izaya slowly opened his eyes and weakly raised his head until he could see the strangers face.

He was met with a face much like Shizuo's. The nose, the mouth. Even the hair was the same kind of blond. The eyes seemed to be the only mayor difference. The eyes that were now staring at him were bright blue. They almost seemed to be as blue as the ocean… maybe even the sky. They were beautiful. Izaya could get lost in them for hours, he was sure. But one thought immediately stroke his mind. 'I still prefer Shizu-chan's.'

As Izaya continued to stare at the person in front of him he noticed that the boy could not be much older than him. The fact that there was someone around his own age standing in front of him helped Izaya relax at least a little.  
The other teen was looking at him, his blue eyes staring into Izaya's red ones. Izaya noticed that the other looked kind of dumbfounded, like he was thinking hard about something. Then his look suddenly changed to a really confused one. Izaya just continued to stare, admiring these blue eyes, waiting for his punishment.

"You really aren't Psyche-chan."

The stranger's words shocked Izaya. He had expected something totally different. The other's voice was calm and gentle, not accusing in the least. Izaya just stared on, not knowing what to do at all. He was confused.

"You look sad. Why's that? You are so pretty but your eyes look so sad. I don't like it."

The brunette's eyes widened even more. What did he just say? Had the other just called him pretty? Had he just gotten complimented?  
He felt his heart skip a beat but he was sure it was because he was just so nervous. He didn't know the other boy, after all.

The blond teen just smiled at him, which made his eyes look even more beautiful. Izaya just kept his eyes locked onto the other teen's eyes. He was completely overwhelmed by the whole situation. The other seemed to notice his discomfort as he continued to speak in that gentle, whispery voice of his.

"You really are beautiful. – You have such a handsome face and your body is so small. – You're really cute. You have a small little nose. – But your eyes are really bothering me. Why do they look so sad? Are you lonely?"

Izaya didn't even register most of the things the other had said. His mind had stopped functioning properly after the word 'beautiful'. Who was that boy in front of him? Why did Izaya feel so flustered after having been called beautiful by him?  
Everything was just stressing him out so much today. He just wanted to curl into a ball on his bed and sleep. He wanted to wake up to a normal day tomorrow. Not one as weird as this one. It was just too much. Just too much for one day.

Neither did Izaya really notice, nor did he really know the reason why, but suddenly there were tears rolling down his cheeks. He just stared into the other's eyes, heart beating faster than ever.

"Allow me to make them happy, will you?"

Before Izaya could even try to make sense of what the other was saying, he felt lips softly pressing against his own. They were soft and gentle, not forcing and rough like Shizuo's. Shizuo.

Izaya immediately pushed the other away, disbelief written all over his face. His mind was blank so he just looked at the other boy, panting and trying to calm his heart, before reality came back to him and he quickly shuffled past the teen.  
He raced down the stairs as fast as possible, he knew that Shizuo's parents could probably hear him but he did not care. He just wanted to get leave. To get away.

When he stepped out of the backdoor he started running, not looking back once. He couldn't think properly and tears were still falling from his eyes.  
He did not stop running until he had reached his house. He stood in front of the kitchen door for a few moments, trying to calm his breathing. He did not even try to wipe away the tears, for he knew there would just be new ones, replacing the ones he had just wiped away.

He quietly stepped into the house, closing the door behind him. In his rush he did not even think about the possibility of someone seeing him, he just started walking towards his room.  
He managed to reach it without anybody noticing him.  
After he had closed the door, he immediately flung himself onto the bed, burying his head in his pillow. Then he just lay there, letting the tears spill from his eyes. He did not have the energy to try stopping them. He did not even care about that right now. He was not even able to move.

Izaya did not know when he fell asleep.  
And when he woke up the next morning, the only thing he knew was that it had been the first night after he had met Shizuo, in which another blonde had haunted his dreams.

* * *

_**Please kill me. T_T I do not know what I just wrote. Izaya is only staring and quietly doing something in this chapter. Haha. :D I'm so sorry for this one, I'll try to do better with the next chapter. Anyways thank you for reading and reviewing!**_

_**Another thing. I'll be leaving for one week on the 19th. I won't be able to upload anything during that week. :( I'll try to post the next chapter before I leave!**_

_**over and out. ~**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**Finally! Chapter 10! Enjoy! :)  
**_

* * *

When Izaya opened his eyes the next morning, he just stared at the ceiling for quite a time. He felt too weak to move. Too drained. He thought about the last evening and everything that had happened. How warm he had felt with Shizuo in his arms. How the blonde had seemed to fit so perfectly in his embrace. Just how right it had felt. Izaya quietly giggled. He had been so happy, he had felt so content. As he remembered how fast his heart had beaten, Izaya shivered slightly. How nervous and scared he had been. Afraid that Shizuo would push him away. Leave him forever.

'I want to break up with Psyche'

That one sentence echoed in his head over and over again. There was nothing else, just these seven words.  
As much happiness as all of that brought, it also scared him. The doubts whether Shizuo would even want him returned and this time, without Shizuo in his arms, they completely overtook his mind. Burying every glimpse of happiness beneath them. Izaya felt cold. He tried to snuggle deeper into his covers but it did not help. This type of coldness wasn't physically. It came from deep inside the brunette. And Izaya was sure that it would not go away for quite a while. Maybe only if he once again held his love in his arms. Maybe not even then.

Izaya could soon feel tears rolling down his cheeks. He tightly shut his eyes and squeezed his hands to fists. Everything was just so unfair. Not only had Psyche been together with Izaya's love, but he had now also ruined all of Izaya's chances to ever be with the blonde. Shizuo would not want someone exactly like Psyche again. Izaya and Psyche were just too similar.

In moments like this Izaya was just so envious. So jealous. Psyche always took everything from him. Always. He was always the one to get everything. Izaya had sometimes tried to think of something, anything that he had gotten before his twin. Something he had, that the other had not.

Friends.  
Izaya had only gotten people who care about him yesterday. He wasn't even sure if he could already call them his friends. Psyche on the other hand had had friends all his life. Even though Izaya was sure that a lot of Psyche's friends only liked him because the brunette was popular, the girls probably because he was cute, he couldn't help but be jealous. Izaya was sure that Shinra and Kadota would be the best friends someone could wish for. He could wish for.

Parents.  
Although Izaya knew that he theoretically had parents, he never actually felt like he had them. They did not treat him like their son, so it was hard to see them as his parents. Unlike Izaya, Psyche had been loved by his parents the second he came to life. Earlier even. Not only when he had actually been born but already when his parents knew there was life growing inside their mother's stomach. The moment they knew Psyche existed they showered him with love.  
Of course Izaya had been there too but he had been way smaller, weaker. He had already been outshone by his twin; he had already been hidden behind the other. Even the big machines at the hospital had not worked detailed enough to detect the little being. They had only detected one baby. Psyche. Or maybe they just didn't want to see him. Maybe they had hoped he would just disappear if they pretended he wasn't there.

Sisters.  
Izaya had not been allowed to see his sisters until they had been brought home with his mother. Three weeks after they had been born. They had had to stay in the hospital for such a long time because they had been born by C-section. They had been weak at first but in the end both of them pulled trough. Izaya had been so very excited when he had heard the news of his sister's birth. And he had been devastated when his father had told him that he wasn't allowed to see them. Izaya had been confused. Everybody had been allowed to see them. Even the neighbors had already seen his little sisters. His.  
His father had told him that he would wreck them, infect them with his demon soul. Izaya had been too small to really get what his father was telling him, he just knew that he was blaming him. It was his own fault once again. He had felt sad and confused. Even Psyche had been allowed to see them.

Love.  
Love was one of the things Psyche had gotten more than enough of in every way possible. Everyone loved him. His mother. His father. His sisters. Aunts, Uncles, cousins. He even got love from Izaya. The red eyed teen couldn't help but love his brother. He always told himself it was just because of the special relationship twins shared. Psyche was also admired and loved by every person around him.  
And then there was Shizuo. Of course Shizuo loved Psyche. Had loved. But still, Psyche had gotten all the love Izaya had always wanted. If the other had… would just share. There would still be enough for both of them. Still enough so that they both could be happy. Only a little bit would be enough.  
Izaya only wanted… needed Shizuo.  
Izaya was sure that if the blond teen was his he would not need anything else. Just Shizuo would be enough.

Izaya suddenly froze, eyes and mouth opened wide. There was one thing he had gotten… experienced before his twin. Something he had been first in. Something Psyche could not take away from him. Never. It was his. His to treasure. His twin had gotten second behind him. Izaya was first. He had beat his twin.

Sex.  
Izaya had had sex before Psyche. The other was still a virgin after all. Of course Izaya was not actually proud that he had been ripped off his virginity at such a young age, but the feeling of victory over Psyche just won him over. And after all the most important thing was not the act as it was but rather the one he did it with. The most important thing was…  
It had been with Shizuo.  
Izaya had had sex with Shizuo. Psyche had not. Izaya had been first. For Once.

Izaya allowed himself a small smile even though he knew that he should not be happy about stuff like that, it seemed so egoistic but he just couldn't help himself. He had been together with Shizuo in such a special way and Psyche just… hadn't. The thought brought a strange but welcome warm feeling to his chest. It felt nice. The feeling of victory.

Izaya stayed like that for a long time, staring at the ceiling with a small smile gracing his lips, his body comfortably hidden beneath the covers. He thought about everything Shizuo had said the night before. Retelling every word.

'It's just not the same anymore.'

What exactly did the blonde mean with that? What had changed? Or had he maybe just met someone else and didn't want to tell Izaya, afraid that he would tell Psyche.  
Of course Izaya would never do something like that. Not if it would hurt Shizuo. Izaya was sure he would never be able to hurt the other. He was too precious, too important.

Izaya frowned as he tried to think of reasons as for why Shizuo would want to end the seemingly perfect relationship. Why he wanted to break up with the boy whose name could have been perfection. But everything he thought of just didn't seem right. Neither Shizuo nor Psyche had really changed recently. So what Shizuo had said made no sense at all. Nothing was different, well not that Izaya could tell.  
The couple had also not fought in the last few months. And Psyche was not in love with someone else, Izaya was sure he would have noticed. Psyche would have probably come to him to tell him about it. To brag about it.

Izaya could already feel his eyes water as he reached the reason that was most likely to be true. It made the most sense. It hurt but he had to accept it. Shizuo had met someone else.  
Someone other than Psyche, who made his heart race and flip every time he saw the other. Another one he wanted to hive his everything. Someone he wanted to make happy. Someone he loved with all his being. Someone he shared his heart with.

Izaya smiled bitterly at his description of the other's feelings. It sounded so nice… so pure.  
But no matter how pretty the words were, they brought so much sadness… to Izaya. It had always hurt to see Psyche and Shizuo together but after time Izaya had somehow learned to accept it. He had accepted the fact that Shizuo would always love Psyche and that he would never have a chance. But now… Now that Shizuo wanted to break up with Psyche, it was just so much harder. Shizuo still didn't love him. There was still someone else.

Izaya started sobbing and buried his head in his hands. Something deep inside of him told him that he wasn't that someone. And he never would be. There would always be someone else. He was just not right for Shizuo. Shizuo would never love him. Never.  
Izaya just felt so weak and broken at the moment. It had never been so hard before. Never like this.  
He just lay there for minutes, drowning in his miserable state. Too weak to move, too tired to even try to stop crying.

But after a while he actually started to calm down. He lowered his hands from his face and fixed his gaze on the ceiling once more. He let his eyes wander over the pattern. Stars and circles. The ceiling had already been there when they had moved into the house. It was originally made for children but his parents had never bothered to change it.  
Izaya raised one finger and slowly traced the stars from afar. He suddenly imagined how nice it would be to look at the stars together with Shizuo. He would not even need the real stars. Just these stars on his ceiling would be enough, as long as he got to watch them with Shizuo.

Izaya weakly shook his head. He really had to stop that.  
He did not want to get up, he couldn't. His body wouldn't move. He was drained. Completely. No energy left. Yesterday had been way too stressful. Too much had happened. Sure a lot of good things had happened too. Kadota and Shinra had comforted him. He had met the nice nurse. Shizuo had told him that he didn't love Psyche anymore. He had been kiss-

Izaya sat up in a flash. He was frozen, eyes wide as he slowly raised a hand to his lips. He had completely forgotten about that. How could he? Izaya closed his eyes as he recalled the moment.  
The other teen's lips had been so soft… so gentle. He had called him beautiful too. He was the first to ever say that. A weird feeling rose in Izaya's chest. It made him feel warm but it also made him so uneasy at the same time. He decided he didn't like it.

As he recalled the kiss once more he felt a weird tingle in his lips and he was sure he was blushing by now. His face felt so warm. The other's lips had been so different from Shizuo's. They had not been as demanding, not as rough. Izaya had actually felt appreciated and not just used. It had made him feel good in a way but he had just been so confused. Too much had happened.

Izaya heavily shook his head. Why was he thinking about that stupid kiss so much? He had not wanted it. The only person he wanted to kiss was Shizuo! Not just some stranger that he had only just met. Not just someone who looked exactly like Shizuo!  
Izaya froze. It was true the other had looked almost exactly like Shizuo. He had the same sharp features, the same blond hair. Only his eyes had been different. Although Izaya actually preferred Shizuo's mocha ones he could not help but find the blue eyes of the Shizuo look alike to be the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. The blue had just been so piercing, so strong. So beautiful.  
Izaya had been able to see such deepness in those eyes. He had felt captivated, almost drawn to them.  
Izaya suddenly remembered what the other teen had said just before he had kissed him.

'Allow me to make you happy…'

He frowned as he tried to make sense of that. How had the other even been able to tell that he had been that? Had he looked that shaken… that broken? Was he really that bad at hiding his emotions? Even a total stranger had been able to see right through him.  
And why would the other even bother, they did not even know each other. Not even the people that were close to Izaya cared. Why would he? It was not normal to just suddenly care for a person you just bumped into. People normally did not do that.

Izaya took a deep breath and hung his head. He was so confused.  
He just sat there in silence, trying to organize his thoughts, when he was suddenly aware of the clock ticking in the corner. He suddenly snapped his head up and looked at the time. 7:16. He had overslept. He was late.

He quickly scrambled out of his bed and raced over to his dresser. He pulled out another pair of black pants and a fresh pair of boxers. He hesitated a moment before he grabbed a light blue shirt. He had not worn it for years now but he somehow had the feeling it would be a good choice for the day. He quickly put the clothes on and ran his hand through his hair, trying to flatten it at least a little bit.  
When he was finished he stopped moving and just stared at his reflection in the mirror. He looked so different to himself, not wearing only dark colors for once. He kind of liked the blue shirt. It did not make him look as gloomy.  
Maybe Shizuo would like it too.

He somehow felt like crying again but he just clenched his fists and shook his head. He had to stop crying. Just for once. He shot a glance at the clock again and when he saw that it was already 7:25  
now he quickly went over to his bed to grab his phone. He then trotted over to his desk to get his bag and his jacket.  
Before he left the room he stopped in front of the door. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. He wiped at his eyes, afraid that you could still see that he had been crying. After he had rubbed at his eyes long enough to convince himself that nobody would be able to tell that he had been crying he shoved his hands in his pockets and stepped out of the room.  
He tried to be as quiet as possible. He did not want to see his family now. He had enough problems at it was. He did not need them to show how much they despised him today. Not now. He had other things on his mind.

When Izaya reached the living room he stopped. Laughter and chattering was coming from the direction of the kitchen once more. His family was eating breakfast… without him.  
Izaya weakly shook his head. He was used to this by now. Sure, it still hurt but he couldn't start crying every time. He cried enough already.  
Although his mind screamed at him to get going, Izaya just stood there listening for a few minutes.  
They were talking about Mairu's and Kururi's birthday. That's right. They would turn twelve in about two weeks.  
Izaya cringed. That meant the rest of his family would come to visit. He did not like the rest of his family. Not at all. There were just like his parents and siblings. None of them liked him.  
Izaya hung his head as he remembered his fourteens birthday… well Psyche's rather. The whole family had been invited and of course everyone had come. Izaya had not known why but he had been looking forward to their visit. Maybe deep down he had been hoping that he would be given a new chance. That they had changed. That they would finally accept him. Love him.

Of course nothing like that had happened. Izaya had not even met any of them. His parents had yelled at him and then they had locked him in his room. He had been in there the whole weekend. Locked away. Izaya would have stayed in his room on his own if they had just asked but having been locked away like an animal had been too much for him. He had spent the whole weekend crying in his room. Praying to god to just finally help him.  
It had also been the very first time that Izaya had thought about killing himself. At that time it seemed almost like a good idea. With one well-placed cut or a strong rope everything could have been over so soon. He would have been free. It would have been so easy.

When he thinks back now he isn't even sure why he had not done it then. He had been alone for a whole weekend, it had been the perfect chance. But Izaya was still alive. He had not killed himself. Maybe he had been too afraid to actually do something. Or maybe somewhere deep inside he had just not given up the hope, that someday his family would love him.

Izaya shook his head. He shouldn't let himself be drowned by his bad memories so early in the morning. He felt cold and weak. He tightened the grip on his jacket, trying to keep him warm at least a little. His eyes were already felt with tears again but through sheer willpower Izaya managed to keep them inside.

Suddenly Izaya could hear chairs being pushed back. His family was done with breakfast; they would leave the kitchen any second now. Izaya did not really know why he panicked so much… but he did.

And without another sound Izaya rushed out of the door.

* * *

_**I'm baaaaaaack! I'm so sorry that it took so long but I'm here now! Well I'm back but this chapter is just... argh. I'm kinda not happy with it, nothing happened. But maybe it's just the calm before the storm.. hehe.. hehehehehe. :D **_

_**So anyways I hope you enjoy this chapter! :) Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)**_  
_**btw, please tell me that 'Why he wanted to break up with the boy whose name could have been perfection.' is officially the dumbest sentence ever. :D **_

_**over and out ~**_


	11. It's not an end but it's overI'm sorry!

Hello there...

I kind of felt like I owe you at least this little message after all this time.  
Well,** I won't continue this story**.I'm so sorry, but a lot has happened since I last updated and I just don't have it in me to write anymore. Don't worry, I myself am healthy, physically at least, but I lost someone very close to me. It was sudden and unexpected. Suddenly nothing feels right anymore, no matter what I do.

So... you don't have to look out for this story anymore,** it's not finished bit it's over**. None of us will get to read it but I'm sure I would have made Izaya have the biggest happy end ever. Because that's something I want for myself.

Well, thank you all for reading this and hopefully you will not be that angry and disappointed, I tried... I really did.  
And also thank you for all the messages and nice reviews you sent me. It was nice as long as it lasted.

So, to everybody who reads this... have a nice nice day and enjoy the rest of your life!

**SORRY AGAIN! :(**


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